Since the most sacred of my relationship with Jeff has already been strewn to the public -- here's my response.
It's a lie that I never wanted children.
True -- I've never felt like the next natural step after marriage was to have children.
True -- I've never felt like my life would be incomplete without children.
True -- I've always thought that having children is a major life decision and not one to be taken lightly or for granted.
False -- I never wanted to have children.
I've never felt like I HAD to have children but I've always been open to discussing having children. But it's not something I felt the need to discuss with anyone but my partner. Meaning, if anyone asked, I wasn't looking to have children because ultimately, it's up to me, it's my decision, and the only person that it's important to be on the same page with about it, is my partner. I've always been open to the possibility of having children or adopting (as I never felt that "having" a child was more important than parenting).
Truth be known, I don't even know if I can have children. I have a pituitary adenoma (benign tumor) that effects my prolactin levels which in turn effects my ability to conceive. I've not been told that I can't have children, only that I might need some assistance to conceive. Perhaps that was more work than Jeff was willing to put into the process.
The other truth is that Jeff just didn't want to have children with me. For whatever reason, he chose to lie about many things and one of them was that he never wanted children. It's hard for me to swallow this fact because we were together for 11 years but there's no avoiding the truth. And while the truth hurts, nothing hurts more than knowing that he can't even be honest about why he left. It wasn't because he wanted to have children and I didn't. It was because from day to day Jeff never really knew (knows) what he wants and in order to maintain a realtionship in that mindset, you have to lie..and lie...and you got lost in your lies and knowing what it is you're doing, what you want, where you're going, and what you're doing to other people.
There is no way that I could ever consciously decide to try and have a child knowing that I can't trust my partner with finances. Knowing that I can't trust my partner to be faithful. Knowing that my partner can't share his feelings or deal with anyone else sharing theirs. What kind of person would I be to bring a child into a home where their father is unfaithful to their mother, their father will choose pot and cycling over paying the bills, and their father turns off when you show emotion?
This might not be the right arena to proclaim my frustration and hurt but where else should I go when even I don't know why Jeff left me? All I know is that he wanted to be "free" to "be with whomever he wants, whenever he wants," and that "he never loved me."
Which lie will you believe?
